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#1 Jul 11 2015 at 7:36 PM Rating: Good
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It feels like it's been forever since the last awkward Kuwoobie problems thread. It's a shame the forum is kind of dead now. I'd really like to see what Ari and Belkira and others would have to say about all this.

About two months ago-- I'm not even sure exactly when it happened. I received a Skype call from a random player needing assistance with my Minecraft server. Rarely does anyone call-- if ever, they will send me a message and I deal with whatever the issue is directly from my console. Since then, she has video/voice called me just to talk nearly every day-- with calls frequently exceeding 9+ hours. With my wife being away much of the time with her new job as an RN, it was great to have someone keeping me company without having to be asked. I ended up teaching her how to play World of Warcraft and we spent a great deal of time doing that together.

When the big update for Terraria came out, we started playing that together instead. Around that time something happened. We began to have conversations that didn't feel comfortable talking about in calls-- problems with her family and personal life, which are many. I can't believe how intelligent she is-- how articulate with her thoughts-- how crass and witty are her jokes, given she is only 11 years old. Basically, she feels abandoned and ignored by her parents, who are now divorced and remarried. She has told me that I am like a father to her now. As for my feelings... I have never felt so close to anyone in my life. We have a strange kind of mutual understand about many things that go completely unsaid. It's a different kind of love than I've felt before, but also very intense. Perhaps it is as if I had a daughter?

Often times, a lot of the things she tells me scare the living **** out of me. She is incredibly rude and crass and will frequently become violently hostile with other people we are playing with online-- which has caused her to have a lot of problems with people in the past. She has made my stepdaughter cry on several occasions with words of cruelty that could wound even the most well-adjusted adults. She says that I make her feel calm-- less stressed. I am probably the only person she talks to, at least online, that she can act friendly towards. She claims to have multiple personalities. One of them, Red, is supposedly some manifestation of her damaged self that comes out when she's lashing out at people. Sometimes I have to speak to Red... she says she will tear me to pieces and laugh while she's doing it. I respond by saying I will let her hurt me all she wants if it will make her feel better. She says it is no fun unless it hurts. There are a lot of things that people say that will "trigger" an emotional response for Red to come out, mostly without warning. Usually it is my stepdaughter, or other online friends who cause this. I get the feeling she doesn't like to have to compete for my attention, and it is when she becomes to most violent. She says that Red is her true self, and the personality she has when she seems happy is a mask of sorts. She says I am one of three pillars of her sanity-- the others being her alternate personality, and her friend from school. If we were to go away, she says, Red would become unbound and take over completely. She is never Red while in voice chat.

I feel like everything in me wants to heal her-- to protect her. She often compares me to a character in her favorite anime, Black Butler, and refers to me as her butler, and herself as Ciel Phantomhive, who, like her, is often vastly underestimated because of their age. Sadly, there is nothing much I can do for her other than be here for her every day. My wife says we could adopt her if not for her felony, and the fact that her parents aren't technically mistreating her as far as we know, and the fact that she lives several states north of here-- that and she would probably murder my stepdaughter if we lived together Smiley: frown
#2 Jul 11 2015 at 7:42 PM Rating: Good
Worst. Title. Ever!
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#3 Jul 12 2015 at 4:00 AM Rating: Good
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Kuwoobie wrote:
She often compares me to a character in her favorite anime, Black Butler, and refers to me as her butler, and herself as Ciel Phantomhive, who, like her, is often vastly underestimated because of their age.


I take it you're never seen Black Butler? That's a red flag right there.
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#4 Jul 12 2015 at 5:15 AM Rating: Good
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I've seen the first 9 episodes so far since she mentioned it. I'm working on it.

Edit:

Wait. Why is that a red flag exactly? Smiley: eek

Edited, Jul 12th 2015 11:32am by Kuwoobie
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#5 Jul 12 2015 at 5:51 AM Rating: Good
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You'll figure it out.
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#6 Jul 12 2015 at 9:51 AM Rating: Excellent
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Bottom Line: Cut this shit out.

You're on the losing end of a massive power imbalance. She is a minor, she is someone else's child, you're babbling about intense emotions towards someone else's eleven year old daughter. You're having 9+ hour conversations with someone else's eleven year old daughter. You are literally one wrong word or phrase away from a police visit and a notice to stay 1000' away from schools and parks. What on earth is wrong with you here as well?

There's no benefit or gain for you here. She's using you (whether with intentional malice or not). She's emotionally manipulating you. You're defending someone who makes you own child cry. You're talking to her because you're lonely when your wife is at work. She's giving you ultimatums about how, if you leave, all her damage will be your fault. You're getting played by an eleven year old girl. You really believe the bullshit story about "multiple personalities" that sounds like it's from a TV show or tween-lit novel?

Here's a bit of hard advice: When an adult talks about how mature or deep some kid is -- it's not that the kid is "deep", it's that the adult is emotionally compromised in some way. Either because it's your kid so you have investment in saying she's beyond her years or because you're emotionally stunted in some way that makes you relate better to children than to your own peers. Eleven year olds aren't deep or mature. And you're not "rescuing" her, you're at best enabling her. This isn't some kid you're saving from a child slave ring or taking away from her abusive crackwhore mother who broke her arms. Her complaint is that her parents "ignore" her. Well, she'd certainly be the first tween with that attitude. Even if we accept that she's being abused and suffering from mental illness, you're not the person to help her. She should be seeking help at school or from some other facility actually prepared and capable of helping kids with problems. Emotionally invested married guy three states away isn't the solution.

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As for my feelings... I have never felt so close to anyone in my life. We have a strange kind of mutual understand about many things that go completely unsaid. It's a different kind of love than I've felt before, but also very intense

Get consoling. Really. This isn't a normal or proper way to feel about someone else's pre-teen child. Even if nothing comes from this (and I'd bet against it if this continues), you're obviously suffering from some sort of misalignment in your life that you're projecting your feelings here instead of towards your family.

I'm taking it on faith that the stuff in the OP is factual and that she's not a 50 year old dude or something. It's irrelevant anyway since Kuwoobie is emoting this way towards someone he THINKS is as described.
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Wow. Regular ol' Joph fan club in here.
#7 Jul 12 2015 at 11:01 AM Rating: Good
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Fair enough.
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#8 Jul 13 2015 at 8:02 AM Rating: Excellent
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Kuwoobie, you need someone to roll up a newspaper and smack you with it. You don't let some random stranger make your own kid cry, regardless of the sob story they sell you on. Period.
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#9 Jul 13 2015 at 8:15 AM Rating: Excellent
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lolgaxe wrote:
You don't let some random stranger make your own kid cry, regardless of the sob story they sell you on. Period.
Unless that story is "your kid stole my pants and wallet then when I tried to drag him to you, he wouldn't tell me where you were". Then maybe.
#10 Jul 13 2015 at 8:18 AM Rating: Good
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Papa Joph has spoken.
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#11 Jul 13 2015 at 8:22 AM Rating: Good
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I don't think they'd get to the sob story if someone showed up to my front door with no pants and my crying daughter.
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#12 Jul 13 2015 at 8:32 AM Rating: Good
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lolgaxe wrote:
I don't think they'd get to the sob story if someone showed up to my front door with no pants and my crying daughter.
I was mostly just referencing something I saw while I was in the hospital.
#13 Jul 13 2015 at 9:21 AM Rating: Excellent
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You know what to do. You were looking for someone to validate what your conscience was telling you, or you wouldn't have titled the thread what you did. Joph just validated it. Say "thank you" and do what he said.

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#14 Jul 13 2015 at 9:31 AM Rating: Excellent
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Jesus ******* Christ Kuwoobie. You're a god damned ticking time bomb set to destroying your own life. It's like you can't get out of your own ******* way and just have to run into **** up after **** up. I didn't even read what Joph said, beyond the first line, and I already know he's exactly, completely, 100% correct.

Cut. This. Shit. Out.


I consider this post to be 94.3% accurate to what Belki would've told you.

Edited, Jul 13th 2015 12:32pm by Uglysasquatch
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#15 Jul 13 2015 at 9:44 AM Rating: Excellent
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That his wife is on board with this is bizarre. Seriously, go take your Minecraft money or whatever, see a psychologist for an hour and tell them what you said in this thread. 'Cause this whole dynamic ain't right.

Some day this girl is going to get into a fight with her mother over Taylor Swift ringtones or some shit and is going to pull the "I've been talking to this guy and his wife and they'll totally let me live with them when I run away" card. And you'll be lucky if that just results in a friendly visit by the police to see what's up.
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Wow. Regular ol' Joph fan club in here.
#16 Jul 13 2015 at 9:59 AM Rating: Good
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lolgaxe wrote:
Kuwoobie, you need someone to roll up a newspaper and smack you with it. You don't let some random stranger make your own kid cry, regardless of the sob story they sell you on. Period.


Well, normally they get along just fine and are very good friends. There are just some occasions where she'll snap and say really cruel things. I don't defend her when this happens. My response is to talk to her privately after which she will apologize to whoever she's been too harsh towards. I don't actually believe she has multiple personalities-- if anything it is a serious case of chuunibyou. She just has very imaginative ways of expressing herself.

Also, what Joph has said about my being emotionally compromised is actually a massive understatement. The truth is, I'm actually the same Kuwoobie you all rolled your eyes out of your skulls with 10 years ago-- perhaps even a lot worse. I've just become a lot better at pretending to be normal. There is something horribly wrong where I actually do relate more to my stepdaughter and her friends than I do some good old boys down at a bar talking about football or wherever it is that is socially acceptable for adult males to be. Maybe it's because I didn't really have a father growing up, but I actually have no idea what is expected of me or what my role is in anything. My wife is the one who makes all the money making literally ten to twenty times more than I have ever earned in my life, whereas I am the stay-at-home parent who takes care of cooking and cleaning and tending to the needs of the pets and children. I get the feeling all of this would be infinitely less awkward if I were a woman.
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#17 Jul 13 2015 at 10:26 AM Rating: Excellent
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You don't need to talk about football or cars or shootin' guns or whatever you assume men all talk about to relate to adults. It's not about that. It's about communicating on an adult level with peers. I might want to talk about video games over baseball but I'd still rather discuss them with a 35 year old than a 12 year old nearly every single time. Hell, I'd probably rather to talk a 35 year old about football more than talking to a 12 year old about video games. It's not about topic so much as maturity and perspective and social awareness and that sort of thing.

I get the impression that you're in some rural area so it's not as easy as "Go find/join an organization of like-minded adults". But finding outlets in the way described isn't healthy either. Part of being a grown up is finding more appropriate ways to handle things. Which is why I strongly suggest a professional because what you're describing is ridiculously self-destructive and won't be fixed by dudes on the internet.

But, hey, you want some penny-ante advice instead I'll give you this: Go find a hobby that involves making or repairing things with your hands. Woodworking or plumbing or fixing machines or electrical work. Heck, combine it with electronics and be one of those guys who makes awesome looking case mods or turns an antique radio into a Pandora player with a Raspberry Pi shoved inside and a digital display. You presumably like making stuff given the whole Minecraft schtick and you can relate to burly men over dovetail joints. Plus you can fill the traditionally masculine role of fixing shit around the house. I'm the last person to say "get off the damn computer" but, hey, get off the damn computer.

Edited, Jul 13th 2015 11:28am by Jophiel
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Wow. Regular ol' Joph fan club in here.
#18 Jul 13 2015 at 10:58 AM Rating: Good
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Jophiel wrote:
You don't need to talk about football or cars or shootin' guns or whatever you assume men all talk about to relate to adults. It's not about that. It's about communicating on an adult level with peers. I might want to talk about video games over baseball but I'd still rather discuss them with a 35 year old than a 12 year old nearly every single time. Hell, I'd probably rather to talk a 35 year old about football more than talking to a 12 year old about video games. It's not about topic so much as maturity and perspective and social awareness and that sort of thing.

Edited, Jul 13th 2015 11:28am by Jophiel


I kind of think the problem is more of wanting to talk to people online vs. talking to them in person. Strangely enough, I don't meet many of my peers on the internet. If I do, they are typically aren't very friendly. It's not like I wouldn't befriend them because of their age. Just like if Bloss (aka Red) were 29, I wouldn't be like "ew, someone my age." The reason I talked to her to begin with was because she was calling me on Skype-- something no one else does, ever. She has since become a friend to our family, not just myself. We all play WoW and Terraria while on Skype together when there is time. I just happen to be the one with the most free time and the one she speaks to the most.

Edited, Jul 13th 2015 4:59pm by Kuwoobie
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#19 Jul 13 2015 at 11:00 AM Rating: Good
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Kuwoobie wrote:
My response is to talk to her privately after which she will apologize to whoever she's been too harsh towards.
From what you're saying, that strategy isn't working. Draw some lines in the sand, and the next time she steps over them (and she will) ban her from your server or block her messages for a week or something.
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#20 Jul 13 2015 at 11:07 AM Rating: Good
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lolgaxe wrote:
Kuwoobie wrote:
My response is to talk to her privately after which she will apologize to whoever she's been too harsh towards.
From what you're saying, that strategy isn't working. Draw some lines in the sand, and the next time she steps over them (and she will) ban her from your server or block her messages for a week or something.


It hasn't been a problem since the last time about two weeks ago. Usually now if my stepdaughter pisses her off she will talk to me about it privately and no one is hurt by it.
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Kuwoobie will die crushed under the burden of his mediocrity.

#21 Jul 13 2015 at 11:20 AM Rating: Excellent
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Really, you're rationalizing. You don't talk to eleven year old girls for nine hours stretches "frequently" because she's a just family friend.
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Wow. Regular ol' Joph fan club in here.
#22 Jul 13 2015 at 11:32 AM Rating: Good
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I talk to her for 9 hour stretches because I enjoy our time together. If given the choice to talk to her for however long she wants to talk or ignore her when she calls I'm not just going to say "Oh, well she's younger than me so I better not." I just can't even imagine.
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#23 Jul 13 2015 at 11:36 AM Rating: Good
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You could say "She's emotionally manipulating me and treating me, and my family like crap so I better not."
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#24 Jul 13 2015 at 11:37 AM Rating: Excellent
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Kuwoobie wrote:
I just can't even imagine.

Well, right then. Good luck with that.
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Wow. Regular ol' Joph fan club in here.
#25 Jul 13 2015 at 11:44 AM Rating: Good
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lolgaxe wrote:
You could say "She's emotionally manipulating me and treating me, and my family like crap so I better not."


I don't understand. If one of you were to call me on Skype persistently and I answered and we did a bunch of battlegrounds together or something and became friends, would that be emotionally manipulating me? I know I couldn't pay ya'll to do that though, or anyone else really.
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#26 Jul 13 2015 at 12:01 PM Rating: Good
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Kuwoobie wrote:
I know I couldn't pay ya'll to do that though, or anyone else really.
Yeah, that. The whole "everything is bad so pay attention to me" thing. You said it yourself that you don't even believe her and yet you continue to pay attention and make up excuses to continue to do so. If any of us called you on Skype for half the day and made your kid cry and you made up excuses to keep allowing it, I'd say that was emotionally manipulative as well.

You want advice? Ditch her or at the very least put some consequences for her behavior in place and stick to it. You're hurting yourself, you're hurting your family, and you're certainly not doing the other kid any favors mollycoddling her.
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