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Has it occurred to you that the "one person" is you? I think I mentioned this earlier in the thread, but I'll say it again. I think a huge part of your problem is that you're looking for validation outside of yourself. You keep looking to others to make you feel better about yourself. But what you should really be doing is figuring out how to be happy with yourself, for what you are, not what you think others see in you.
Yeah. I think about that, actually. You have said it before. Other people have said it before. I'm 100% certain that if I went and saw some kind of therapist they would say the same thing.
Right now I'm alone. Wife is at work for the next 12 hours. Kids are sleeping. When they're not sleeping they keep to themselves and expect me to do the same. It's times like now that are really what kill me. It's Spring break so there are no classes this week. So I am stuck with myself for another day, just like every other day. It's how I imagine an animal in captivity must feel. It has always been this way-- since as far back as I can remember, only in different settings with different people involved over the years.
The only time it has ever been different was during those months I had someone calling me every day. Someone to interact with. It is reasonable for me to believe that is what I want considering how things were different during that time. It was different in a good way. I felt engaged in life in some way. I had something to look forward to every day. --and now things are just like they were before that person was in my life. --and now it is worse, because I think about those days and how they're gone forever. I think about what I might have been able to do differently to prevent them from ending, or how I might be able to bring them back.
It is reasonable to believe that because there was once such a person that made that sort of difference, it could perhaps happen again. It is difficult to imagine that one person being myself. I have read some things online about cognitive therapy and how I am supposed to challenge negative thoughts and ideas and replace them with self-complimenting ones. I don't really know what to think about that. It's like I'm supposed to become some kind of narcissist for the sake of survival, and I don't understand how that could even work. I don't really understand. All I know is I don't want to want to be here sitting in this room like this. All I know is there is no place I can go that would be any different, and there is no person out in the world somewhere who could replace what I had, or even come close.
Edited, May 3rd 2017 12:29am by Kuwoobie
