Things we might discuss if the forum didn't dieFollow

I talked to my wife about it. She insists that my duty is here, at home-- and not using up fuel driving around town to work without compensation.

She is right, though. If I am not here to clean constantly our living space quickly degrades into abject squalor-- between the cats pissing and ******** everywhere because they have somehow forgotten to use the litter box, and her and the children leaving their trash everywhere. Because of her knee injury, she cannot carry trash down the stairs or groceries back up again. Because she works all the time and makes all the money, I am expected to take care of these things.

I really hate this place. It's like I want to go home, but I am home. "If you could just get a job we could afford to live someplace else" she says. If I could just win the lottery. If I could just have an anthropomorphic unicorn deliver a suitcase filled millions of dollars even seems more likely. But what difference would "someplace else" really make?

I don't understand. It's like all around me is a vast empty wasteland that goes on forever. I can choose to walk in either direction and find more of the same until I collapse or stand still and do nothing.

Kill the cat, crucify on kids' door, explain they're next if they don't help around the house.

Edited, Jun 15th 2018 2:24pm by lolgaxe

When I was maybe eight or nine years old, I remember watching a cartoon on TV called "Doug." I watched a lot of TV then. I hated that show with a burning passion, but I watched it because it was on and back then we didn't really have a lot of other choices.

I hated it because the series protagonist, Doug Funny, seemed to represent everything I hated about myself made manifest as some pretentious animated dweeb. I frequently felt embarrassed on his behalf, being completely helpless as he repeatedly made a total fool of himself in the eyes of God and everyone, it being a program potentially viewed by hundreds of thousands of people at any given moment. I hated all of the characters on the show for one reason or another. Just looking at all their stupid faces, with their stupid names like "Dinkledorf" or "Skeeter", filled me with rage. They all annoyed me, and I often fantasized about entering the world of the cartoon and murdering all of them in progressively hideous ways.

I wake up today feeling like I have arrived in Dorkington (or whatever it was). What I once felt about a cartoon show is how I now feel about the real world. I can't look anywhere without seeing someone or something that causes me to cringe. All people. All races. All backgrounds. Left and Right. Everyone is an idiot. Everyone deserves to die. Even me, especially me. Even you, whoever bothers to read what I say.

I think about everything being set to fire. I imagine every building burning with people trapped inside, exterminated. I imagine massive floods and tsunamis that wipe away countless people, pulling them under the current and drowning them.

--but then I stop. Someone always appears in my mind's eye to make it stop. The young ones. I could never kill a child. They are saving the world inside my mind from Armageddon, like hostages. They are a living shield for everyone else. --even though they all grow up to be the same ugly, brutish monsters. Mindless consumers. Slaves. Maybe they won't this time? Maybe this time they will grow up without polluted minds, and have enlightened ones instead. I think that is a strong possibility.

OH, a hermit. That's a job I could work 6 days a week.

I saw a bear over the weekend too, but no trees or animals.

Rejection. That is the reoccurring theme of all things. Rejection from love interests. Rejection from job and financial prospects. Rejection from social connections. Rejection. That is the word that ties all of these things together that I have been missing.

Acceptance. This is the reoccurring solution I read about everywhere. Accept your cold and indifferent wife. Accept your shitty job at Walmart. Accept your state of aloneness.

The frustration is maddening. It is like having your head held under water and being allowed just enough air to retain consciousness as your face is pushed into it again and again and again forever.

"Get back up and turn it into something positive" says everything. "Learn to enjoy it" says everything. What I see is "lower the bar." I am to lower my standards and expectations. Learn to eat shit and like it, because that's all there is and ever will be.

"Sour grapes" they all say while standing over me and stuffing their faces with said grapes, making no attempt to disguise how orgasmically delicious they are. "Silly Rabbit." Here is your bag of carrots. Eat up.

I have learned, though-- to some extent. I haven't killed myself or anyone else. It is like a balancing act. Whenever it gets to the point where I feel like gouging my eyes out and cutting my throat or jumping in front of a semi truck, I accept a little bit more so that things can tilt back to the center, and I survive.

But this little trick I have been doing it starting to decay. "Get a job! Hurrr!" says everyone and everything. "Get a job! Baahaaah, baaaahhah" bleat the sheep. No. I can't go back to that like I used to. At this point, I would MUCH rather gouge my eyes out and cut my throat, or jump in front of a semi truck than work for Walmart for even one more day.

So in a sense, that whole leg of the chair has gone. There are now only three, and they're all pretty rickety. But the balancing act continues.

Ok, so. I usually say "ignore this," but in this case, I'm curious to see what someone outside of my head thinks about all this.

I have realized for a while now: I am a person who is filled with hatred.

Normally when "filled with hate" is used to describe someone-- the immediate image that comes to mind is something akin to a skinhead neonazi type person, bent on destroying non-whites and Jews. --or perhaps some religious zealot who wants to murder homosexuals.

...but I am not either of those things. It's hard to judge someone for being a different skin tone or for whatever things I imagine they do with their lover. Come to think of it, it's not that hard to imagine. When I was a child, there was a short period of time when I hated other kids who were black. I think it was because of something my older brother said to me once about them. --and there was an even longer period of time where I was extremely homophobic, and frequently fantasized about destroying a gay cruise I had read about in the newspaper. I even hated British people because of the way they were portrayed on television for most of the same kinds of reasons.

I grew out of all that, though. I often wonder if it's all just a phase that everyone goes through but some people never graduate from.

I felt ok for a while. I used to think that people were generally good, and generally reasonable. I used to think that even if someone was dumb as a rock that they still at least had good intentions overall.

...and then I went out into the world. I worked whatever jobs were available, and lived wherever I could live. --and with every interaction, every rude customer, every obnoxious and arrogant landlord, I began to hate. I remember every unkind word. Every threat. Every stupid comment. "Stupid" was the key word, because there was never anything these people said or did that wasn't.

They have always been there. Even as a child I have hated them to some extent. "Rednecks" I called them back then. Oafish, drooling creatures. But "Redneck" is too narrow of a term for them, I feel, as they come from all walks of life, and they are everywhere.

Sometimes they are clever and disguise themselves as decent human beings, but sooner or later they always give themselves away.

Today things are different. Worse. It has never before been so easy to identify them, as they ALL march under the banner of the new president. It's not like before with W. Bush or Reagan-- this is not merely political. I do not hate someone because they're against abortion or thought Reaganomics was a good idea. I hate them because they are genuinely trash. They are single minded insects. Animals. They have no concept of empathy and wear their stupidity like a badge of honor. They are the so-called "silent majority" who are anything but silent or the majority. They are the so called "Real Americans." --and the trash have risen up and elected their king, the King of Slobs and Champion of Cretins, and are emboldened by him.

This is one thing I can be sure of-- that ever single individual person I have ever hated enough to want to murder falls squarely into this category. --and I can be sure that everyone who falls under this category is more than fair game by my standards.

So I hate, and I gleefully anticipate the day where I can get a hold of one of them and squeeze their windpipe closed until they die. --some person who is someone else's son or daughter, parent or grandparent, sibling or friend. I am completely unable to feel sorry for them, and perhaps I would be willing to kill their family as well for good measure, and perhaps I should.

"That's so horrible" I think. It's horrible to think of other people as being less than human. It is horrible to think about taking someone's life. ...and yet, it becomes more and more difficult every day to not think these things.

I know that it's bad. It hurts me far more than anyone else. It's like poison. So now I wonder-- Why? What is the reason for all of this? Is there such a thing as reasonable hatred?

Do I feel threatened by them? I think so. I feel like they are probably a threat to me and to the people and things I care about. I feel like they are a threat to my personal freedom. For instance, how long might it be before we start seeing more of these "work requirements" -- ones that affect more than just food stamp and medicaid recipients? How long might it be before I find myself locked inside a for-profit prison for writing posts like these or some other offense of some law that has yet to be?

How many days do I have left before some gaping ****** with a gun picks a fight with me over a parking space and kills me in "self defense?" --because they would all defend his actions, too. Each and every one of them. They would all do the same exact thing if they had the chance. They aren't people. They are monsters.

Seven days.

I'm trying very hard to be less negative today. One thing I have read is to stop discounting the good things so much.

In fact, things have been pretty great lately. There have been a lot of happy days. We even had a guest for two months-- one of my stepdaughter's friends. We call her Xye. They met on my first Minecraft server about seven years ago and have been good friends ever since. This will have been the second summer in a row she had come to stay with us. She is like family. I have never met anyone who was so clever with words and with such a sharp sense of humor. She claims to be a social outcast, but as far as I can see she is adored by everyone wherever she goes, and for good reason. Aside from that, she is also a brilliant and accomplished artist which is not an exaggeration by any means.

Her presence here was a much needed relief. We would go out more because she was here, and our nights were filled with pizza and lan partying. Often nights we would go swimming at the complex pool, just me and Xye-- because no one else wanted to go-- and we'd swim around and talk about life and the world with the whole pool to ourselves til sunrise.

Two weeks ago we took her back to the airport so she could return to her real family in California. We were sad to see her go. She'll be back next summer, though.

In recent months, I have been spending a lot of time with some old friends-- a guy I used to work at Walmart with back in 2006 and his wife. We used to go out and play Pokemon Go and D&D together a few times, and then they needed help moving into a new house. So I helped them. Since then I have been invited to hang out with them a lot. We dine and play pool at a local bar almost every week. --and any time they need help with a project, I am there to help.

My wife doesn't like this. She says I have become their errand monkey. She doesn't understand, though, that I am more than happy to help them. When they went away to Japan for a few weeks, they asked me to drive their kids to and from school while they were away.

It was then that I made yet another friend, their oldest daughter. She had always been there, just kind of in the background. It was not really until then that I felt like I was really meeting her for the first time. She says I am a "big weeb", like her, and that I'm her personal Uber. She will text me any time she needs to go somewhere or pick up one of her friends and I will take her there. She tells me that aside from her best friend from school, I am the only person she really likes to hang out with. I feel healed by these words.

These past few days, we all play games over a call on Discord-- me, her and Xye. Sometimes my 6 year old son will play with us. These are happy times. Some days it is just the two of us, and I am reminded of all the times I used to spend with Red. It's not the same, but it's nice.

You should build a park in your back yard. Somewhere where you can invite all the children to play with you year round. You could call it something fun. Like Neverland Ranch...

How's that a joke about inappropriate relationships with children? I don't get it...

I'll post this timestamped youtube video with explanation that it's a joke so we don't get all gbaji'd in here.

Edited, Aug 15th 2018 8:39pm by TirithRR