Things we might discuss if the forum didn't dieFollow

I enrolled at Keiser the other day. It worked for my wife when she became a nurse so I figured why not. I'm going for radiology instead. I can't wait 4 years for a degree from UF, and this way I'll be able to start classes as soon as the 21st of this month.

Until then I'm just waiting. Staring into nothingness. I try to kill time at my computer playing games like WoW and Hearthstone, but it feels like eating shit. It's something I'm forcing myself to do because there is nothing else to be done at the moment. I still feel sick in my mind somehow. I still feel like I'm on borrowed time. I can't get over this feeling like I have been abandoned-- not by anyone in particular, but by humanity as a whole. It's like my life and everything in it that was ever worthwhile keeps moving further and further away and I am now watching it disappear beyond the horizon as I stand here at the side of some deserted road, exhausted and bleeding.

I just want to hide somewhere. I can't stop thinking about what an inconvenience I am to my wife, my stepdaughter and my son. I keep thinking about how careful I had been before. I knew back then I would not be able to take another hit. I KNEW what would happen and it is exactly what happened, but I kept listening to people, up to and including Erika, that it was all in my head. --that people weren't so bad, that I was just being overly negative and that I am somehow making things more difficult than they really are yet absolutely refuse to elaborate on what that means or what it is exactly I am doing wrong.

But I know exactly what I am doing wrong. My expectations are simply too high. I am supposed to stay home. Read books. Play games-- things I can do by myself that won't inconvenience anyone else, and that's the bottom line. I must stay out of sight and out of mind, lest I make someone uncomfortable. This is my shitty sack of carrots. This is what is for me.

I keep thinking about that thing everyone says: "Treat people the way you would want to be treated" and what a HUGE LIE that is. I think about when people say to get out of my own head and to help someone else, and I realize that no one wants or needs my help. Everyone wants for attention, just not from me. I am "bad." I scare people. I'm an adult male, which means I could potentially hurt someone with my advantageous size and weight, or god forbid, my *****-- the scariest thing of all. Surely I must be plotting to kidnap them and do horrible things to them where no one can hear them scream. Worse still, I am jobless and without money. I am a scrub. This recent upsurge in Tumblr-style SJW brand Feminism correlates directly with the rise in unemployed and underemployed millennial men. How dare we look at other human beings! How bold and impudent he is for trying to make friendly conversation. Surely he is scheming some perverted goal and undressing me with his eyes! What nerve he has to show up in that car without those clothes to stand in the same room as us. Time to go home and blog about how lewd and lascivious he is.

Oh, but how things will change. I have been told rad techs make upwards of $50-60k a year. I'm going to shave and cut my hair in some trendy, nonthreatening metrosexual way-- maybe color the tips. I'll buy a nice car and expensive fitted clothing and become completely integrated into this culture that I hate. I guess now I have to wait and see if that will even make any difference.

It can. Getting an education turned me into the man I am today.

I wasn't expecting a romantic relationship.

It's not her fault.

I'm on my phone at the moment so I can't say much, but none of that really matters. It isn't about that really. I'm just beginning to realize that I am not acceptable. All that I want in life is illegal or inappropriate in some way or another. I am now realizing that I can't do what is expected of me. Given that, it makes sense that I should be removed in some way. Destroyed. Erased.

It would be more efficient and humane if we could all be put down-- all of us that are not socially acceptable, not just me. I could have been identified and destroyed at a much earlier age. People do it themselves all the time when they realize they are redundant. I just haven't been able to achieve that. I just need something to break my complacency. I need to be cornered or threatened in some way that could drive some kind of fight or flight response. Not having a gun means there is a 0% chance of escaping on a sudden impulse. I would have to very deliberately retie a ligature, then find some point to tie it from that would not break under my weight. I have read that I would lose consciousness after no more than 13 seconds with only partial suspension, followed by death after about 15 minutes. A long drop would be faster but at a much greater risk of failure.



What is the difference?



I don't care about being relevant. All I care about is a way out of feeling like this every day. Writing about it here helps some, but it doesn't stop anymore. It doesn't get better or go away. It is some intangible thing and the only way I can really describe it is damage. I feel like I am cracked and broken into millions of pieces that are now so far away from each other that they can't be repaired like it has before. I imagine this must be what it's like to have rabies. I have a constant need to break things but I don't. On the outside I probably look perfectly fine.

I guess I just don't know what you mean exactly or why it matters.



If I had rabies, I could do that. I don't know what I have. You talk about effort and laziness as if there is anything that can be done about it.

You are injecting a lot of stuff about cosmic tide, the universe, etc. It's a lot more simple than that.



I write about it here because it is a relief for me. I feel a lot less like clawing my eyes out after writing gbaji-worthy walls of text.



I don't have an illness. It is not a tangible thing. I can't just go to a doctor and tell them these things and expect them to do something about it. --and yes, I realize there are doctors who specialize in mental health. I don't believe there is anything they can do about it, either, though. They can load me up with drugs but it won't change anything. It won't erase the mistakes I've made.



I'm actually hoping someone say something. In all the years I have posted here things have changed a lot, but I haven't. There is no more barkingturtle here to tell me I should live stream myself "eating a shotgun sandwich." I feel like it would be easier if I had someone's permission or go ahead in some way.

Tumblr-style SJW brand Feminism exists to be made fun of, not to cry about.

Edit: Like this, for instance. "Stop mansplaining Star Wars, 8 year old boy!"

Edited, Nov 7th 2016 1:42pm by Poldaran

Learn an instrument.

And then learn annoying songs with said instruments.

Yeah; you do.

That's true.

Yeah; you can.

The drugs don't "make you better". They allow you to get to a place where therapy has a chance to work.

I'm pretty sure I'd trade my past mistakes for yours. You are not the "worst/most damaged/unsalvagable" person in the world and certainly not the any of those things on these boards.

/em shouts in Kuwoobie's ear.



I'm no doctor, but here's me reading the last couple of weeks of posts you've made here and reading eerily familiar things therein. Here's my diagnosis and advice.
YOU ARE CLINICALLY DEPRESSED. GO TO THE NEAREST MENTAL HEALTH FACILITY AND PUT YOURSELF ON A 72 HOUR SUICIDE HOLD. GET LINKED UP WITH A DOCTOR AND THERAPIST AND STICK WITH THEM. LIVE. RAISE YOUR CHILDREN.

Which is ironic, given how most people feel after reading my posts.

Seriously though, if you examine your own feelings, you'll find that what Joph said is about *why* you feel relief. You're looking for validation and attention. You get it by talking about just how awful things are in your life. The problem with this method of attention gaining is that it requires increasingly more awful things to outdo the last set of awful things. Which can easily result in a self created downward spiral. You're actively choosing to focus in a negative direction because you've found that's the easiest way to garner attention. That's not a good direction to go though.

I feel like I'm being a broken record here, but you really do need to find some means to change your own mental direction. It's like people give you advice, and your response is to just insist that it can't work, things are just too bad, you're a special unique snowflake for whom the normal rules just don't apply, etc, etc, etc. You really do come off like you're committed to being miserable, and nothing anyone says will make any difference. And yeah, as long as you insist on that, you're going to have that negative outcome. But what do you expect anyone else to do about it?

From our perspective, this is like someone complaining about how much it hurts when they hit themselves with a hammer. When we respond with the obvious "stop hitting yourself with a hammer", you insist that's just not possible. Um... Ok. You've received a number of responses, all variations of the same thing. You can choose to ignore the advice you've been given, and wallow in the pain and suffering that results, but then you really can't complain about it since it's you doing it to yourself. Repeatedly saying "I can't do that", isn't helpful at all. You can do these things we're suggesting. You are choosing not to.