Made a post on the Main EQ Forum. Wasn't great, but it was passable. Well, okay, maybe it was a little lame.
Oh, who am I kidding? It had less value than a rancid piece of lobster vomit. Skeeter called me on it and put me in my place. So ashamed. So very ashamed...
So I killed myself. Not as much fun as I had expected. Followed the light, found out somebody just left the 'fridge door open. Turned around and found an elevator. Funny, don't remember having one of those in the kitchen. Step inside and the door closes. Look at the buttons. Only has one, and it says 'Down'. Just when you think your day can't get any worse...
Press the button and I'm on my way to Hell. Listen to the canned music for a few minutes and wonder if maybe I'm already there. But no, it eventually stops and the door opens. Brimstone smells bad. Shoulda brought some Renuzit. Walk up to the desk and say "I'm dead. Where do I go now?" Dead lady hands me a clipboard and one of those almost useless stubby little pencils like they put out for you to fill out your lottery cards with. I turn around looking for the couch so I can fill out my paperwork. Shoulda known there'd be paperwork in Hell. Shoulda known Hell wouldn't have any couches for you to sit on while you fill out the infernal paperwork in quadruplicate with a stubby, nearly useless pencil. So I look around and finally decide on one of the smoother looking rocks nearby and plop down. I look over at the next rock and there's something scratched into the side of it. A swastika and "Adolph was here". Normally this would impress me.
I begin filling out my infernal paperwork with the nearly useless pencil stub and get to the third page before I realize I don't have my wallet with me, so I don't have any ID or proof of insurance. But I plunge ahead anyway and fill it out as best I can. Sign here, here, here, initial here, sign here. Careful not to make any mistakes 'cause the pencil has no eraser, of course. Take my paperwork back to the dead lady and she starts telling me what I have to do next.
Entrance exam? What entrance exam?
You gotta be kidding me.
So there I am, sitting in a little classroom with twelve other misfits and rejects waiting at one of those school desks where the desk part flips up and folds to the side. Ever notice how the desk part isn't really big enough to actually DO anything? Then the devil comes in to administer the test and I'm thinking that that's pretty impressive for the devil himself to come to this thing and then he says that he's not really the devil, he just plays one on T.V. None of US laughed, either. He hands out the answer sheets and it's one of those deals where there's just the number and four circles after it with the letters A B C and D inside them. You've seen them. Anyway, I look and the numbers on the answer sheet go up to 666. Big surprise. So then he hands out the question book and it is THICK. Starting to think that maybe killing myself wasn't the smartest thing I've ever done. Then he says 'Begin', but I don't have a pencil. Not even one of those stubby little nearly useless ones like they put out where you fill out your lottery cards.
So I raise my hand and ask for a pencil. He gets all snotty with me and tells me that I should have thought ahead and brought a pencil with me. I tell him that I wasn't really thinking about pencils while I was trying to kill myself and all and he gets all uppity and tells me that if I killed myself, I should have taken plenty of time to get things right and gather up all my supplies for the trip and I must be a really sloppy suicide if I didn't even think to bring supplies and stuff. That kind of offended me 'cause I'd just killed myself and all and I thought I'd done a pretty good job of it considering how depressed I was and all. Didn't even leave much of a mess for anyone to clean up, which I figured was pretty thoughtful, but he doesn't seem impressed and tells all the other misfits he's heard it all before. But finally he gets me a pencil and I start the test.
First question: What was the meaning of life?
Second question: If a Northbound train carrying 247 people leaves the station in Phoenix at 11:47 a.m., and a Southbound... Wait a minute. Full stop. What was the meaning of life? That's not a multiple choice question! I look again, but there's no A, B, C, or D anywhere near the first question.
Oh, this is gonna be hard.
So I decided to cheat. Hey, I'm already in Hell, what else can they do to me? I fill out all 666 questions with answer 'C'. Seems like a plan to me. Then I kick back and try to look smug for being the first one to finish the test. Realize that I'm looking smug for cheating on Hell's entrance exam and try to find something else to occupy my time.
Seventeen hours later the devil calls 'Time'. I really gotta pee. He didn't mention that there were no bathroom breaks before we started the test. For a while I tried to amuse myself by attempting to throw my pencil through the .357 magnum hole in the head of the guy next to me. Didn't go over all that well, since my aim was off and it went partway through and stuck. I think that annoyed him. Then the devil says that the answer to every single question was 'D'. Damn. So close.
So I got a big, fat zero on the entrance exam to Hell. I'm thinking this has got to be some kind of loser record. That would have looked good on a job application at the burger barn. Little late for it, though. "Now where do I go?" I wonder. Devil dude comes up and says I have to go back. I ask "Back where?" Next thing you know, I'm waking up in bed, the bottle of whiskey and the sleeping pills on the nightstand and one big, bad ***** of a hangover making my hair hurt. Realize it must've all been a really weird dream.
Except for that stubby little pencil I found in my pajama pocket.