Rape sucksFollow

A situation came up the other day which caught me totally by surprise, and I'd like some advice from my fellow Asylumites.

After hanging out with a friend of mine*, I made an offhand comment about a guy she had told me she had hooked up with a few months ago. She got really quiet, and that prompted me to ask what was up. After stalling for a bit, she burst into tears and said "I didn't want to have sex with him. He raped me." I was shocked. She had talked about this guy before, and while she said that she stopped stuff with him because she felt guilty (she was dating another guy at the time; is still with him, in fact). she had said the sex was pretty good, and rough like how she liked it. This had happened back in October-November, and she was pretty open in talking about it at the time... this was the first time I heard anything about it not being consensual. Furthermore, she told me it didn't happen just twice (as she had said before), but several times. They are on an academic team together, and apparently almost every time they had a meeting, he would somehow get her alone and rape her. Tears, pleading, did not stop him. And apparently when she threatened to tell the truth to people, he vowed to beat the crap out of her; and told her about other girls he had already beaten.

Eventually she dropped out of the team, but from what she said to me, it wasn't until everyone on the team knew they were intimately involved. The guy in question apparently bragged openly about how she was begging for it and he was just doing her a favor; they all thought it was consensual as well. She held onto the secret for months and only recently told her best friend, and then me.

I'm a doer. If there's a problem, I want to do something about it. My first recommendation was to go to the police. If this guy has
A) Raped her
B) Threatened her, and
C) Done this to other girls
He needs to be stopped, ASAP.

Her response was that it was too many months ago, and it's just his word versus hers. She read up on rape cases, and claims the girl hardly ever wins without some kind of evidence. Combine that with the fact that he's only had misdemeanors for drugs and no serious offenses; that she visits a psychologist on a monthly basis; and that for months she has been telling a different story, I can kind of see her point.

My second suggestion was to talk to her therapist. That's why you have a shrink, right? To address issues? She said she can't; according to her, if a crime has been committed, her doctor is legally required to report it... which leads to all the issues above. I don't know if that's true; even if it is, unless she presses charges herself there's no victim and thus no crime.

My third suggestion was talk to her parents. At least then she'll have it out in the open and have some support. She said her dad would probably kill him, and knowing him, that's probably true.

In the end she said she was just glad to be able to tell someone, and she wants to forget it and move on. She still sees this guy at school, but she's just trying to ignore him. As said, she quit the team after a half dozen assaults.


As soon as I heard this story and dropped her off, I drove straight to the town police. I asked the office on duty what I could do, and he said straight up "Nothing, unless you can get her to report it." Well, damn. After thinking long and hard about it, maybe the police aren't the right people to get involved (although the fact that he's done this and beaten other girls makes me VERY worried). But, even as one of her good friends, I have a REALLY hard time believing her 100%. I don't think she'd lie about something like rape... that has HUGE consequences, and while she can be immature I don't think she'd cry wolf on something that big. But still... why would she not do something after the first time or two? I mean, once I can understand being caught unaware (and note: the first time was at her house, where she invited him over; the rest were at school). The first time at a team meet I can maybe understand, but why the **** would you go anywhere ALONE with that guy? And then, why would you KEEP GOING TO THE MEETS, and go off alone with him 4-5 more times? According to her, he was persistent and wouldn't leave her alone; she thought giving in would just make him stop. I think she knew that was ********* so I can't figure out why she would keep putting herself in a position to get in trouble. And the fact that she only quit when she found out everyone knew? Whoa... don't even want to know what that means about her state of mind.

Anyway, my advice to her finally was to talk to her therapist, don't mention the "R" word, but ask her "Why did I put myself in a position to be taken advantage of several times?" I feel like, even if she can't punish her attacker, the more lasting problem is that she let herself be controlled. I'm not trying to blame the victim here AT ALL; I think what she went through was horrible and should have never happened. But I feel like most people would never have let it happen more than once or twice, never mind a half dozen times in the exact same way.

Any advice? She's put me in a terrible position by telling me; I'm powerless to do anything and frustrated that I can't help. I'm glad it makes it easier for her, but it does NOT address the problem at all and I really don't know what the best course of action is for me, let alone her. Help?

*Full disclosure: She's my ex-girlfriend, but we are purely platonic friends now. These incidents occurred long after we broke up and she started dating her new boyfriend. And no, her new boyfriend does not know about this.

Dude, that was a pretty elaborate story to make up just to try and get the local priest poking you in the butt off your chest.

I really don't know what to tell you about the issue. If she's not willing to go to any authorities, there's just nothing you can do. Except maybe talk to her/be there for her if she needs it.

But my real reason for posting is to ask why in the fUck someone rated down Sam and Moe. I swear, these stupid, childish idiots need to stay the hell out of the Asylum.

Ha! I hadn't noticed until you said.

Maybe I'll have a quiet word with Kao and see if he'll tell me whom I have to thank. Repeatedly. Some might say obsessively, once I get going.

Share if you do, Sammy.

Edited because Ginny's so damn quick with her fingers...

Edited, Mar 11th 2010 9:13am by MoebiusLord

90wpm, baby.

/unlurk



Unfortunately, this is very common. Rape is almost always a power relationship, not a sexual one. She's still feeling the powerlessness now. If there are others also, then they are probably in the same situation. If one of them will go to the authorities, sometimes that will bring the others out, but there's not much you can do if she's unwilling to say anything. Anything that would help with her sense of self-empowerment would help, but that can vary between individuals.



Also: @pub


You should be careful with lazy statements like this. It exposes yourself as the rampant an intentional troll that you are rather than just the crazy person you normally try to come across as to get people riled up. Most of the forum seems to prefer to maintain the illusion, so at least put a little effort into it.

/relurk

I can understand why she didn't do anything. I imagine the guy had her completely confused. You said that she said before the sex was "great, and rough like she likes it." More than likely, she felt that she had done something to provoke it, and she liked it a little rough anyway, so it wasn't really rape. I'm also betting that she had an ******, and that left her quite confused about whether it was rape or not.

She quit after "everybody knew," not because people knew but because of what this guy was telling them. After a few months away from him, she finally realized what happened. By then, I'm betting she felt it was too late, that she was partly responsible, she was ashamed she'd cheated on her boyfriend, and she felt that everyone "knew" about the relationship and "knew" it was consentual, so no one would believe her.

I don't believe that her therapist must report the rape if she talks about it to him/her. I think that a therapist must report a potentially dangerous patient, and they must report child abuse (is this girl a minor? I'm guessing not...), but talking about something that happened to you when you don't want to report it isn't something they have to report. They might urge her to report it on her own, but I don't think they are under an obligation to go to the police.

Honestly, at the risk of sounding like a jerk, what bothers me most about this is you. Comments like, "She put me in a really terrible position." Really? She put you in a tough position? Please...

Edited, Mar 11th 2010 9:38am by Belkira

They do where I'm from.

I find it difficult to be sympathetic to him when he wasn't the one repeatedly raped.

Locke's probably afraid that if he fights the guy, and the dude lands a couple punches, they might end up having sex. They might end up in a relationship. Plus, did you not read that the villain is on the academic team? FUcking animals, those guys.


Edited, Mar 11th 2010 8:02am by Barkingturtle

I agree, Belkira. I'm not trying to play the pity card for myself; it's nothing compared to what she must have gone through (and is going through). I just hate that I have this information and can really not do anything with it, as she's not helping herself. Or maybe she is, by opening up. But she said she doesn't want to do anything else... and to me it just feels like that wouldn't be enough.

Then again, we are entirely different people, and obviously have very different views and emotions. I'll stick by her and be her friend if that's what helps her the most; I'm just afraid that she's going to bury it instead of doing something (like trying to stop some other girl from getting raped or beaten, or confronting why it happened in the first place).


Oh believe me, I thought of it. Problem is, I don't know the guy, and I kinda don't want to get in trouble with the law myself. In the end it really is her burden to bear; if she doesn't want to take action against him, I'm obviously not helping if I go into it on my own.

Protip: Men who beat on women are pussies, and therefore usually easily dominated by other men. Though, I wouldn't be surprised if he did report you for assault. But really, how bad is it to say, "Yeah, I beat up the dude who raped my ex-girlfriend?" Cred, man, cred.