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The 10th Annual Forum Prediction Thread Of Doom!!!!!
2005
2006
2007
2008
2009
2010
2011
2012
2013
This year will start out normally, but the new year driver doesn’t know how to drive an automatic year transmission, so we’ll hit a few rough time patches until he figures out that isn’t a clutch pedel.
Also, this year is the first ever that the list of names didn’t have any duplicates in it, surely a sign of the coming apocalypse.
Spontaneous peace will break out in the middle east everywhere once a Ms. Sarah A Gottentwoofle of parksburry lane, Michigan discovers a way to transmute lead into gold, rendering bullets too expensive to fire. Peace will last exactly as long as it takes for shipments of bows and arrows to arrive, but hey, it’s a start!
The economy, bolstered by all that excess gold, will revert to the waffle cone standard, making carnies and 12 year old festival goers instantly the richest individuals on the planet.
The global asylumite flood invasion will take a turn for the awkward as someone forgets to bring the GPS and the entire armada gets lost for weeks in the FFXIV class forums, clearly a fate worse than death.
Also, noodles get outlawed for some reason.
While out skipping through her usual noon day 20 mile marathon, Belkira runs (well, er… skips) across an Impact crater containing a very very large diamond. 2 months later, Begun the Debeers wars have!
Despite protests to the contrary, Elinda will be indicted on 3 counts of armed badger smuggling after her variety juggling and tap dance show goes horribly wrong next to a zoo. The charges are later reduced to simple badgering on a plea bargain.
Kastigir develops the worlds first fully operational artillery class bee-cannon. Capable of firing a 16†bee shell filled with thousands of live bees over 15 miles away, the world bee vanishing crisis is soon the furthest thing from everyone’s mind…
Jophiel and whatshername (you know, that person that we keep trying to guilt into posting here but it’s been so long we forgot her name?) take a trip to see the Egyptian pyramids. While there, they discover a previously unknown lost tomb. Fame and fortune follow after they release their autobiographical tell all novel “In the footsteps of Carter: discovering the lost tomb (mass grave?) of all the Egyptian bagpipe players that totally all died at the same time of natural causesâ€. It sells at least 8 copies.
Calthine perfects her rocket powered unicycle and sets a new world ice racing record after adding a set of stabilizing wheels…
All joking aside, TirithRR really does develop psychic telekinesis this year, but it only works when he sneezes, so the timing thing is a bit hard to get a handle on. He later successfully levitates a teacup on “the late late late early late show – Starting Conan Obrian’s left sockâ€
xantav will fall prey to a mirror universe portal, and be secretly replaced in society by the admittedly much cooler sounding Vatnax: The doomlocator! Who will then proceed to open up the first combination petting zoo / restaurant.
Determined to take it not one second more, Uglysasquatch and lolgaxe decide to end their bitter and epic feud in the most epic way possible: by dueling to the death with sledgehammers on a high wire suspended over Niagara falls during a blizzard wearing togas. After a 70 hour marathon epic struggle involving 2 time outs, a referee instant replay judgment, and 14 containers of asbestos powder, they both decide to let bygones be bygones and call it a draw. Unfortunately the cable snaps at that very moment, sending them both on a frigid river trip that eventually ends with them both in… New Jersey!!!! <Gasp! NOOOOO!!!!!>
Yodabunny discovers the secret to invisibility. 18 bank heists later, also discovers that the secret to uninvisibility is a heck of a lot more difficult to figure out.
Nexa and Smasharoo will open a Fish Taco shop that is later recognized as the Worlds most Angular Structure.
Samira and her legion of flying doom penguins will continue to roam the wayward skies, seeking justice and vengeance on any and all flights carrying fish products. Also, she totally finds a nickel under a vending machine!
Defying all traditions, Aethien flat out refuses to be predictable, and does the most random things possible the entire year simply so I’ll have absolutely nothing to write about in this paragraph. Nothing whatsoever. Darn. Oh well, I’ll think of something to put here in this here space that you totally just read! Hah! Didn’t work did it! Thbbbtttt!!!!!
No longer content to live the simple life of a Tibetan monk tender (they tend the monks) Omegavegeta sets out to seek fame and fortune as an amateur Yeti summoner. Unfortunately, after the whole “white house†incident, he is forced to flee to Armenia, where he makes his living as a masked swordfighting bandit who fights oppression and pickles on tuna sandwiches, by the name of Omegavegetazorro!
Recovering from his encounter with the evil army of reprogrammed Tickle Me Elmo’s, Fleven is discovered by a major talent agent who happens to be recuperating next door with a stubbed toe, and later becomes THE face of poultry insurance commercials worldwide. His epic catchphrase “Which came first, the chicken or the DEATH FLOOD THAT KILLED EVERYONE WHO WASN’T INSURED!!!!†later becomes a pop culture iconography and is printed on t-shirts for decades to come.
Catwho, despite all probability to the contrary, ends up as the last prediction on page 3 of the prediction document, causing a major upset amongst the bookies betting on this sort of thing. Also, in a secret lost tunnel in the Patagonian alps, Catwho discovers a large unclaimed pile of Knight Templar jewels on August 2nd at exactly 7:45 am at the following coordinates: Oh crap I’m running out of space it’s almost page 4 I should probably hurry up and write them down before I run out of
Fed up with the life of traditional work, Technogeek decides to go the ancient and time honored route of naval piracy. He later manages to take out the entire Canadian navy on their east coast, and controls the spice trade between Quebec and Finland with an Iron fist from his Dhingy of Despair! ©
Tare: ALL OF THE @ Symbols! @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ (hah! No one was expecting that as a prediction! Largely because it makes very little sense in hindsight)
Of all the days in all the years, rdmcandie certainly wasn’t expecting to be abducted by ninja shrews on September 21st at exactly 9:02 am, then taken to a dry cleaners and forced to wash tiny piles of shrew socks for hours before being released with no memory thousands of miles from where he started 48 hours later wearing only his shoes and a solid gold admirals cap.
Kakar, after years of secret study, finally decides the world is ready to experience disco yodeling. Despite several dozen sell out shows, the eventual record album fails to break triple platinum.
Desperate for any excuse to go to Norway, stupidmonkey will construct a perfect replica of the flying Dutchman, but re-imagined as a submarine. The resulting Dutch outrage fuels an armed lefsa conflict that lasts well after the next Thursday. Many minor casualties and 1st degree burns are reported.
Awash with feelings of giddiness and dread, Aripyanfar will embark on a semi epic recreation of one of the mad max movies, only this time starring puppets! The entire journey, filmed end to end will be released in a limited edition box set that will later be used to prop open a door that is supposed to be shut, and must ALWAYS be shut, allowing a deranged psychopathic cephalopod to escape and wreak havoc upon the nearby shrubbery. No one notices for a few months.
Determined to invent a new form of perpetual motion, JennockFV takes the completely unprecedented step of coating a Teflon pan with even more Teflon! Causing a surface that fails to stick even to itself. The pan immediately falls through the surface of the earth, increasing in speed and shooting out the other side of the planet in a shower of green sparks, and continues to defy physics as it races across the universe, continually accelerating until it inadvertently exceeds lightspeed. Declaring the experiment a complete success, she then retires from the perpetual motion industry to start a new career in competitive origami. Teflon is later banned…
Determine to avenge his partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich, Xsarus declares war on atmospheric conditions and builds a weather control device. It remains to be seen whether the weather control device actually works and can weather the oncoming storm. Also in the storm there is totally a hidden stork.
No one gets the _____ underscore fill in the blank prediction this year. How’s that for unexpected!
Having tricked someone into releasing him from his eternal prison, trickybeck will start a new reality TV show called “Hey, I’ve got a camera and I run faster than you!â€. It receives epic ratings and a flood of lawsuits and lasts for only one season before being cancelled and banned by universally adopted treaty.
In hindsight, Torrence will later realize that taunting the angry emu was probably not the best idea ever, but will become the first successful transplant recipient of an artificial pancreas after said emu decides to eat his.
DSD will unfortunately trip and hit her head after slipping on a misplaced road sign, resulting in a years worth of amnesia. It will fortunately be delivered in a single 1 hour period, leaving her somewhat confused and the owner of a series of pigeon coops throughout the lower half of Georgia? Wait a minute, am I reading this right? That can’t be what it says. Read it again! Huh. Ok, That really is what it says. Look, I don’t just make this stuff up right? We don’t know why either.
Poldaran. Well, what can you say? I mean we all sort of saw it coming, though I admit the part about the hidden ancient bagel factory was a bit confusing. Also that part where the clowns all exploded? That was pretty hilarious. But yeah, the rest of it was pretty much inevitable. That poor mongoose though…
Shaowstrike will find my missing box of springs. When you locate it, let me know where it was ok? I’m missing a few of the 8 gauge Zinc coated torsion springs I need for my tank model.
ElneClare and Jonwin decide to become professional zombie hunters. They later go out of business briefly when zombies are granted endangered species protections, but that only lasts a few weeks…
Driftwood accidentally finds a time machine and erases himself from time! He gets better though and also, free dinosaur steaks! (tastes like carnivorous chicken!)
LockeColeMA will coin the new viral phrase of 2014. It’s pretty good. I’d write it here but then I would get credit instead and that would cause the universe to implode or something like it did last time, and that was a heck of a time getting that all sorted out. I’ll give you a hint though, it does not involve the word “eggplantâ€. Or does it and I’m secretly trying to mess with the future? Mwahahahahahahaha!!!!!
BonYogi and Bijou decide to team up and build a bongo bungalow to produce beats while they serve beers to the people of Bora-Bora. The entire concept is declared brilliant by the bemused bystanders, who boisterously bargain for additional locations in Belize, Belgium and the newly formed country of Bogdanarabutistofogutistuukosistan ( It will be next to Ecuador eventually, moves around a bit first)
Nobby will
Build a giant robot death ray tank to finally face his nemesis, Eric Clapton : | 6 (31.6%) | |
Make waffles for everyone on the planet : | 3 (15.8%) | |
Start a Mime Choir : | 8 (42.1%) | |
Manage to clone a Tyrannosaurus Rex : | 2 (10.5%) | |
Total: | 19 |
In the face of unspeakable evil, one Someproteinguy will discover he has what it takes to become an artist with the art institute of Armenia! Send in your drawings along with $250 rubles a month, and our underpaid slave labor will send you drawing tips secretly disguised as pleas for help too! Could you be the next Van Goh? That really depends on how many ears you have and how you feel about the color blue…
Nadenu decides one day to start a cult for poodles. Things go well, with her receiving the typical revenue stream from the Cult of the Devine Poodle, when spontaneous religious schisim erupts, splitting the poodle cult into multiple splinter factions over the correct spelling of “bark†(the Jists insist there is a silent J after the B…). But in the end, there can be only one!
Debalic decides to bring back bell bottom pants, except this time there are cell phone charging batteries in the legs. The additional 4 days worth of talk time make them an instant smash success until the cheap Chinese knock off battery models show up and start inadvertently bringing peg legs back into style at the same time.
Timelordwho and Almalieque decide to open a bagel store! Yay, bagels! (this prediction is also officially least likely to occur of any prediction ever written in these threads. Ever.)
Not to be outdone by the color orange, Dyadem decides to purchase a home for the criminally insane and use it to hold weekly polka competitions for fun and profit. Things go well right up until the third week, when armed with foreknowledge from this very prediction, he decides to change things up and turn it into a Polka Dot competition instead to defy the prediction that was actually 2 sentences shorter a minute ago but he keeps thinking of ways to change it so it gets longer and will you stop that already!!! There… much better. Ok fine, instead he finds a piece of grass on a lawn somewhere on a Tuesday. Try getting out of that one! Hah!
Determined to settle the matter once and for all Darqflame decides to fund a multi year billion dollar study to determine the correct orientation to place a Ficus in the corner of a room. Years later and millions spent, scientists discover that I don’t actually know how to spell Ficus. The study later wins the nobel prize for chemistry for being the least expensive experiment that year.
Fleeing charges related to whaling and a certain poker game that went horribly wrong, gbaji decides to go underground and become a criminal mastermind. He soon corners the market on discount rugs and tapestries, and uses his ill gotten gains to build his evil robot army for the 2015 prediction thread! TO BE CONTINUED….
Since I probably have used up my quota of Fork puns for the year already, Spoonless will undergo the worlds first successful quantum teleportation of a human. Turns out the secret is that you have to be holding a potato, otherwise you get shredded into component atoms and vaporized. No one ever discovers exactly where all the potatoes actually go.
Demea is going to bake us all cookies! Yay!
Allakhazam decides to take up competitive bull riding!
elryche and angrymnk both get tortured by reclusive wildabeasts. Then eaten. Sorry.
Fraught with dread for the wellbeing of the hill people, MentalFrog decides to airlift 18 metric tons of barbequed chicken into southern Kentucky. They later send him a thank you card made out of corn husks.
Anyone I forgot this year ceases to exist on Wednesdays!
As for me? I dunno, maybe I’ll become an infamous 3d printer when I 3d print the worlds first lifesize trebuchet and use it to lay siege to a nearby park or something
Edited, Dec 31st 2013 4:22pm by Kaolian