IV3 TREID 2 KEP QUEIT BUT I JUST CANT HOLD IT IN ANY LONGER1!!!!!1 I HAEV 2 TEL EVERYONE TAHT I HAET R ANIXS CONSTANT MISUSE OF HIS2RICAL ANALOGEIS111!! WTF LOL LETS GET DOWN 2 BRAS TAX WUT WERE INVOLVAD IN WIT R 3NIX IS NOT A GME1!11! OMG ITS DA MOST SARIOUS POSIBL3 BUSIENS AND EV3RY SERIOUS PERSON - EVERY PERSON WIT ANY SHRAD OF A S3NSE OF R3SPONSIBILITY - MUST CONCERN HIMSELF WIT IT1!1!! OMG WTF LOL R ANIXS REASONNG IS CIRCULAR AND THEIR INVALID1!1!11!1 WTF IN OTHER WORDS IT ALWAYS BGINS AN ARGUM3NT WIT ITS CONCLUSION (3G11!11!! OMG TAHT ITS BIAESS 3NHANCA PARFORMANCE STANDARDS PRODUCTIVITY AND COMPATITIEVNAS) AND THEYRE - NOT SURPRISNGLY - IT ALWAYS ARIEVS AT TAHT V3RY CONCLUSION
A1!!1111! OMG WTF RACENT FACT-FINDERS RAPORT RAVAAELD TAHT NO REASONABLA PERSON WUD DENY TAHT R ENIXS FULMINATIONS R AS FLAGITIOUS AS TH3Y R AN INSULT 2 HUMAN INT3LIEGNCA1!!!!1 WTF LOL TAHTS DA CUR3NT SITUATION AND IF U HAEV ANY DOUBT ABOUT DA R3ALITY OF IT THEN U HAEVNT BEN PAYNG CLOSE ENOUGH ATANTION 2 WUT BEN HAPENNG IN TEH WORLD11!111 OMG WTF LOL AS ANOTHAR DISQUEITNG TIDBIT DA FOLOWNG MUST B STAETD IF R ENIXS PAROXYSMS GAT ANY MOR3 INT3LECTUALY CHAL3NGED I EXP3CT THAYL GROW L3GS AND ATAK M3 IN MAH SLEP
IM R3MINDED OF DA QUOTA NOBODY SEMS 2 REALIEZ TAHT 3ACH LIEBRAETD MIND TAHT EXMIENS AL OF TEH EVIEDNCE IS A BREAK IN TEH CHANES TAHT BIND US AL!!1!!1!1 OMG WTF LOL THIS COM3NT IS NOT AS STUBORN AS IT SEMS B/C I CANOT BLEIV3 HOW MANY ACTUAL PHYSICAL BR3ATHNG THINKNG P3OPLA HAEV FALEN FOR R 3NIXS SUBT3RFUGE1!!!1! LOL IMM COMPLETELY STUNED1!!11!! OMG WTF ALTHOUGH I CAN NO MOR3 CHANG3 TEH PAST THAN SE TEH FUTUR3 ITS SAEF 2 SAY TAHT U OF COURS3 NOW NED SOMA HARD EVIEDNCE TAHT AN UNHOLY ALIANCE OF COVINOUS ANTAGONISTS AND STNGY MONOMANIAS HAS BAN INSTRUMENTAL IN DEVISNG INCR3ASNGLY BLOKISH WAYS 2 IMPOSA A GLAS C3ILNG TAHT LIMITS OUR OPORTUNITEIS FOR PROMOTIONS IN MOST JOBS111!1!1 OMG WTF WAL HOW ABOUT THIS FOR AVIEDNCA IT MAY SEM DIFICULT AT FIRST 2 RATCH3T UP OUR L3VEL OF UNDARSTANDNG!111!!11 OMG WTF IT IS!111 WTF LOL BUT I RACOMAND PAYNG CLOSA AT3NTION 2 TEH PRAEXOLOGICAL METHOD D3VELOP3D BY TEH ECONOMIST LUDWIG VON MIESS AND USNG IT AS A T3CHNIQU3 2 COMENT ON A PHENOM3NON TAHT HAS AND WIL CONTINUA 2 PERP3TRAET ACTS OF DA MOST M3NDACIOUS CHARACTER1!1!!11! WTF LOL TEH PRAEXOLOGICAL MATHOD IS US3FUL IN THIS CONTAXT B/C IT 3MPLOYS PRAEXOLOGY TEH G3NERAL SCEINC3 OF HUMAN ACTION 2 EXPLANE Y R ENIX INSISTS TAHT TRES CAUSE MORE POLUTION THAN AU2MOBIELS DO!!111!!1 LOL THIS FRAUD THIS LEI IS JUST ONE MONG DA THOUSANDS THEY P3RP3TRAETS!1!11 OMG WTF LOL I R3C3IEV A GRAAT DAAL OF CORESPONDANCA FROM PAOPLE AL OVER DA WORLD!1!!11!1 OMG AND ONE OF TEH THNGS TAHT IMPRESAS ME ABOUT IT IS TEH MASIEV NUMBR OF PAOPL3 WHO REALIEZ TAHT I OPOSE R 3NIXS EX3GESAS B/C TH3Y R LM3-BRANEAD!!!1! WTF I OPOSA TH3M B/C THEY R DEBAUCH3D!!!!!11 OMG WTF AND I OPOSE THEM B/C TH3Y WIL GIEV VOIEC IN A 2TALY EMOTIONAL AND NON-RATIONAL WAY 2 R ANIXS DEP-ROT3D LOVA OF METAGROBOLISM IN DA COMNG DAYS
IT1!1!11!1 OMG WTF LOL WIL B OBJ3CTED 2 B SURE TAHT R ANIX DO3SNT HONASTLY WANT 2 SUPLY DA CHANES TAHT BIND TEH INDIVIDUAL 2 NOTIONS OF S3LF-LOATHNG AND UNWORTHIENS!!!!1 OMG WTF AT FIRST GLANC3 THIS MAY SEM 2 B TRU3 BUT WHEN U THINK ABOUT IT FURTH3R U INDUBITABLY CONCLUDA TAHT IT HAS CONVINCED A LOT OF PEOPLA TAHT DICTA2RIAL BGARS R INHARENTLY GOD S3NSITIEV CRAATIEV AND INOF3NSIEV11!!!1 ON3 MUST PAUSE IN ADMIRATION AT THIS TRIUMPH OF MADIA MANIPULATION1!!!! OMG WTF R 3NIX SAYS TAHT IT SHUD CHANG3 TEH COURSE OF HIS2RY B/C ITS DA RIGHT THNG 2 DO1!111!1 OMG WTF LOL TAHTS ITS UNVARYNG S2RY AND ITS A LEI AN EXTR3MALY WILY AND S3XIST LEI1!!1 OMG WTF UNFORTUNAETLY ITS A LEI TAHT IS AC3PT3D UNQU3STIONNGLY UNCRITICALY BY R 3NIXS COMRAEDS
NOW!!1!1 TAHT IVE HAD TIEM 2 THINK HARD ABOUT R ANIXS EXCUSAS MAH ONLY QUASTION IS THIS Y?!!???! LOL Y SP3W FORTH IGNORANCE AND PR3JUDIEC?!!!? OMG WUT TEH ANSWER IF R 3NIX TRULY WANTED 2 B HALPFUL IT WUDNT TAEK TEH FOCUS OF DA REAL ISUAS11!!! WTF LOL VERILY WH3N A FREIND WANTS 2 DRIEV IENBRIAETD U TRY 2 S2P HIM11!!!! OMG WEL R 3NIX IS DRUNK WIT POWER WHICH IS Y WE MUST DISABUS3 IT OF TEH NOTION TAHT AV3RY FAATH3RL3S BIEPD REGARDLAS OF INT3LIEGNC3 P3RSONAL ACHEIVAMENT MORAL CHARACTER S3NS3 OF RESPONSIBILITY OR SANITY SHUD B GIEVN TEH POWER 2 MAEK BIGOTRY U!!11 OMG WTF MAY NOT B R OF THIS BUT WE WUDNT CURENTLY HAEV A PROBLEM WIT M8RIALISM IF IT WERENT FOR R 3NIX111!11!! WTF ALTHOUGH IT CREAETD TEH PROBL3M AGRAVAETD TEH PROBLAM AND ASCALAETD DA PROBLAM R ENIX INSISTS TAHT IT CAN SOLVA DA PROBLEM IF W3 JUST GRANT IT MORE POWER!1!!!1! OMG LOL HOW NAÏVE DOES IT THINK WA AER?!??!?? OMG TRULY THEIR R FAW C3RTANETEIS IN LIEF!1!!1! OMG I HAEV COUNTED ONLY THRE D3ATH TAEXS AND R ANIX ANOUNCNG SOM3 DISORD3RLY THNG EVARY F3W WEKS!!1!11 LOL R ANIX KNOWS HOW 2 LEI1!!1 OMG WTF LOL ITS 2 BAD IT DO3SNT YET UNDARSTAND DA RMIFICATIONS OF LYNG
CORACT11!!!1 OMG LOL MA IF IMM WRONG BUT ISNT IT TRUE TAHT TEH COMUNICATIEV EFICACY OF R ENIXS CONECTION WIT BUMPTIOUS LOUNGA LIZARDS WIL CAUSE FEBLA-MIND3D HOLIGANS 2 POPULARIEZ A G3NRE OF MUSIC WHOSA GRAPHIC LYRIS 3XPLICITLY URGE GRUNGY ORN3RY FANATIS 2 INTRODUCE CHANGAS WITHOUT TASTNG TH3M FIRST BY DA END OF DA DACAED???!????! OMG LOL I SHAL NOT ARGU3 TAHT R ANIXS N3WSGROUP POSTNGS R AN AUTH3NTIC MAP OF ITS PLAN 2 PREV3NT M3 FROM SLEPNG SOUNDLY AT NIGHT!!!!111 OMG WTF LOL READ THAM AND SE FOR UR!1!!1! WTF LOL I SAY TAHT TEH TRUTH IS NOT MAANT 2 B WARM AND FUZY I DONT JUST MEAN TAHT IT WANTS 2 CREAET NU (AND REINFORC3 AXISTNG) PR3JUDIECS AND MISCONCAPTIONS TAHT IT WANTS 2 INFLICT UN2LD MIESRY SUFERNG AND DISTR3S OR TAHT IT WANTS 2 MAEK ME TEH TARGET OF A CONSTANT CONSISTENT SYSTEMATIC SUSTANE3D CMPAGEN OF ATAX11!111 OMG SURE R 3NIX DOUBTLESLY WANTS AL TAHT BUT IT ALSO WANTS MUCH MORE!1!!1!1 IT WANTS 2 HIJAK DA WORD DISPROPORTIONAETNES AND US3 IT 2 WRIET OF WHOLE S3CTIONS OF SOCEITY11111!1 OMG WH3N I HEAR R ANIX SAY TAHT IT HAS DA TRAPNGS OF DAITY I HAEV 2 WOND3R ABOUT IT!1!!11!! OMG WTF IS IT ABSOLUTELY SHABY????!? OMG IS IT SIMPLY BNG RAVNG??!!!!?! OR IS IT MERELY AMBRACNG A DALUSION IN WHICH IT MUST BLEIVA IN ORD3R 2 CONTINUE BLEIVNG IN ITSELF???!!! I ONC3 ASKAD R 3NIX TAHT QUESTION - IM STIL WATENG FOR AN ANSWER!1111 WTF IN DA M3ANTIEM LAT ME POINT OUT TAHT MAH CURENT PLAN IS 2 IMPROVA DA PHYSICAL AND SPIRITUAL QUALITY OF LIEF FOR DA POPULATION AT PR3SENT AND FOR THOSE YAT 2 COMA!1!! WTF Y3S IT WIL DRAW UPON TEH MOST POWARFUL FIERS OF H3L 2 TAAR TAHT PLAN ASUNDER BUT SOME PEOPL3 DONT SEM 2 MIND TAHT IT LIEKS 2 SHAKLE US WIT DA CHANES OF AEGISM1!!111! OMG WTF LOL WUT A SOPHOMORIC WORLD WE LIEV IN
THINK11!1!1! ABOUT HOW EASY ITS BCOMA FOR TEH WORST TYPES OF CACODEMONIC MYTHOMANIAS IV3 3VAR SEN 2 RUL3 WIT AN IRON FIST11!!!! OMG WTF IF U THINK ABOUT IT U SE TAHT R 3NIXS CANKERAD BONS MOTS R MERELY A DISTRACTION!1111 OMG WTF THERE JUST SOMETHNG 2 GANERAET MOR3 OP-3D PEICES MORE NEWS CONF3R3NC3S FOR MEDIA TOKNG H3ADS AND MOR3 PUNDITRY FROM P3OPLA LIEK M3!1!!1 OMG M3ANWHIEL R ENIXS SUROGAETS R CONTINUNG THEYRE QUEIT WORK OF ADVANCNG R 3NIXS R3AL GOAL WHICH IS 2 REVIEV AN ARCADIAN PAST TAHT NAV3R 3XIST3D1!1! OMG WTF LOL R ENIX SAYS TAHT IT IS CUNCTIPOTENT1!!!!!!! OMG U KNOW I DONT THINK I HAEV HAARD A LAS FACTUALY BAESD STAETMENT IN MAH 3NTIER LIEF111!!! OMG B CAERFUL NOT 2 B CHARMAD BY R ENIXS PHILOSOPHEIS!!1!1!1 OMG WTF LOL AL THEY DO IS IMPEDA TEH FRE FLOW OF INFORMATION
ONA!!!!!! WTF LOL DO3S NOT HAEV 2 BRANEWASH DA MAS3S IN2 SUBMISION IN ORDER 2 KEP R ANIXS SUBALT3RNS AT BAY!1111!1 OMG WTF IT IS A WITL3S PERSON WHO BLEIVES OTHARWIES1!!1 WTF I WANT 2 DRAW TWO IMPORTANT CONCLUSIONS FROM THIS!!11!1 OMG LOL DA FIRST IS TAHT EV3N IF R ANIX IS NOT CONSCIOUS OF DA INER RAASON FOR ITS IEDAS MUCH OF TEH NOIES MAED ON ITS BHALF IS GENERAETD BY BATY PEREMP2RY SHIRK3RS WHO SEM 2 HAEV NOTHNG BTER 2 DO WIT THERE TIEM AND TEH SECOND IS TAHT I WALCOME ITS COM3NTS1!111!!1 OMG LOL HOWAV3R IT NEDS 2 R3ALIEZ TAHT IF UR NOT PART OF TEH SOLUTION THEN UR PART OF TEH PROBLEM!!1!!1! OMG R 3NIX HAS NO GR3AT LOVE OF DEMOCRACY OR AGALITARIANISM!1!! OMG WTF LOL TAHT SHUD S3RVA AS TEH FINAL ULTIMAET IREFUTABLE PROF TAHT ITS QUIET 3ASY FOR IT 2 D3CLAME MAH PROPOSALS!!!1 OMG WTF LOL BUT WHEN IS R ENIX GONG 2 PROVIED AN ALTERNATIEV PROPOSAL OF ITS OWN??!!!!! U KNOW DA ANSWAR DONT U?!?!! LOL U PROBABLY ALSO KNOW TAHT I HAEV FR3QU3NTLY CRITICIEZD R ENIXS UNSPOKEN PLAN 2 IMPLEM3NT A WILD PARODY OF JUSTIEC CAL3D R ANIX-ISM1!!1!1 WTF R ANIX USUALY ADR3SAS MAH CRITICISMS BY ACUSNG M3 OF RESISTENTIALISM NARCISISM CHILD MOLASTATION AND HALI2SIS!1!!! WTF LOL IT HOPES TAHT BY DAL3GITIMIZNG ME THIS WAY NO ONA WIL LISTEN 2 M3 WHEN I SAY TAHT IT IS HARDLY SURPRISNG TAHT IT WANTS 2 POUR A FEW DROPS OF WORMWOD IN2 OUR GEN3RAL ENTHUSIASM!1!! WTF LOL AFTER AL THIS IS DA SMA HYPOCRITICAL DRONGO WHOSE UGLY PRATLA INFORMAD US TAHT W3 CAN S2P N3GATIVISM MER3LY BY P3RMITNG GOV3RNM3NT OFICIALS ANTRÉE IN2 PRIVAET HOM3S 2 S3ARCH FOR UNBALANC3D TYRANTS!!!!1!1 OUT OF TEH VAST NUMBR OF DEVASTATNG EVILS FOR WHICH MAH HUXT3RS R DIERCTLY OR INDIERCTLY R3SPONSIBL3 I SHAL PIK OUT ONLY A SNGLE ONE WHICH IS MOST IN KEPNG WIT TEH INER ESANCE OF R ENIXS INIMICAL ZNGERS P8RNALISM!!11 OMG LOL WUT SHUD B TRUA OF STATU2RY AND OFTEN EPHEMERAL 3NACTMENTS IN HUMAN JURISPRUDENCE TEH FACT R3MANES TAHT R 3NIX WIL PROBABLY R3SPOND 2 THIS LATAR JUST LIEK IT RASPONDS 2 AL CRITICISM!1!11!11 OMG IT WIL PUT ME DOWN AS IN2L3RANT OR H3C2RNG1!11!1 TAHTS ITS STANDARD ANSWER 2 EVERYON3 WHO SAYS OR WRIETS ANYTHNG ABOUT IT AXCEPT DA MOST FAWNNG PRASE3!!!!1 FINALY IF THIS L3T3R GENERAETS A RESPONS3 FROM SOMEON3 OF OPOSNG VEIWPOINTS I WUD HOPE TAHT DA AUTHOR(S) CONCENTRAET ON OFERNG OBJECTIONS 2 MAH IEDAS WHIEL RAFRANENG FROM ATAX ON MAH PERSON OR MAH INTALIEGNC3!!!!11! OMG WTF LOL IVE GOTEN ENOUGH OF TAHT ALRAADY FROM R ANIX
1!!!1! WTF

To honor our nation's glorious mosaic of cultures and ethnicities, we need to begin with a frank acknowledgment of the basic humanness of each of us. And we must acknowledge that FlatulentChimp's buddies can conceive of nothing but prodigal defenses of his shallow philippics. Some background is in order: It's easy enough to hate FlatulentChimp any day of the week on general principles. But now I'll tell you about some very specific things that FlatulentChimp is up to, things that ought to make a real FlatulentChimp-hater out of you. First off, if it were up to him, schoolchildren would be taught reading, 'riting, and racism. He should learn to appreciate what he has instead of feeling so oppressed because he can't do everything he wants, every time he wants to.

FlatulentChimp wants us to believe that cultural tradition has never contributed a single thing to the advancement of knowledge or understanding. How stupid does he think we are? I can give you only my best estimate, made after long and anxious consideration, but I do not pose as an expert in these matters. I can say only that he says that his opinions represent the opinions of the majority -- or even a plurality. Yet he also wants to bring ugliness and nastiness into our lives. Am I the only one who sees the irony there? I ask because he is extremely wicked. In fact, let's see what my handy-dandy Wicked-O-Meter has to say about FlatulentChimp. Whoa! The needle is off the scale! It's a good thing I checked, because he claims to have turned over a new leaf shortly after getting caught trying to cause (or at least contribute to) a variety of social ills. This claim is an outright lie that is still being circulated by FlatulentChimp's comrades. The truth is that I'm sure FlatulentChimp wouldn't want me to eavesdrop on his secret conversations. So why does he want to overthrow all concepts of beauty and sublimity, of the noble and the good, and instead drag people down into the sphere of his own base nature? I've never gotten a clear and honest answer to that question from FlatulentChimp. But what is clear is that he needs to stop living in denial. He needs to wake up and realize that he just reported that his yawping peuplade is a benign and charitable agency. Do you think that that's merely sloppy reporting on FlatulentChimp's part? I don't. I think that it's a deliberate attempt to perpetuate inaccurate and dangerous beliefs about male-female relationships. There is no compelling moral or economic reason why FlatulentChimp should make our lives an endless treadmill of government interferences while providing few real benefits to our health and happiness, right? Right. Some people think I'm exaggerating when I say that his prognoses are uniformly riddled by an unbelievable degree of ignorance. But I'm not exaggerating; if anything, I'm understating the situation.

FlatulentChimp harbors a sense of entitlement and an expectation of success beyond reason. To pretend otherwise is nothing but hypocrisy and unwillingness to face the more unpleasant realities of life. He thinks it would be a great idea to humiliate, subjugate, and eventually eliminate everyone who wants to draw an accurate portrait of his ideological alignment. Even if we overlook the logistical impossibilities of such an idea, the underlying premise is still flawed. Whether you call it "priggism", "alarmism", or "statism", it is alive and well in FlatulentChimp's taradiddles. It's what convinced me that FlatulentChimp's minions are merely ciphers. FlatulentChimp is the one who decides whether or not to rip off everyone and his brother. FlatulentChimp is the one who gives out the orders to fill the air with recrimination and rancor. And FlatulentChimp is the one trying to conceal how some people are responsible and others are not. FlatulentChimp falls into the category of "not".

FlatulentChimp fervently believes that the rest of us are an inferior group of people, fit only to be enslaved, beaten, and butchered at the whim of our betters. This shows that he is not merely mistaken about one little fact among millions of facts but that FlatulentChimp's goal is to put an uppity spin on important issues. How piteous is that? How yellow-bellied? How pouty? His cronies are merely liars with charisma, by which I mean that his ideas are geared toward the continuation of social stratification under the rubric of "tradition". Funny, that was the same term that FlatulentChimp's drones once used to harvest what others have sown. To FlatulentChimp's mind, the sun rises just for him. So that means that he is entitled to foist the most poisonously false and destructive myths imaginable upon us, right? No, not right. The truth is that FlatulentChimp's desire to equip condescending bloodsuckers with flame throwers, hand grenades, and heat-seeking missiles is the chief sign that he's a paltry maggot. (The second sign is that FlatulentChimp feels obliged to blow the whole situation way out of proportion.)

I obviously dislike FlatulentChimp. Likes or dislikes, however, are irrelevant to observed facts, such as that the first lies that FlatulentChimp told us were relatively benign. Still, they have been progressing. And they will continue to progress until there is no more truth; his lies will grow until they blot out the sun. Continue to appease him, and FlatulentChimp will unequivocally saddle the economy with crippling debt. What do we owe him? Nothing, absolutely nothing. If FlatulentChimp claims otherwise, we have to stand firm and point out that if he were as bright as he thinks he is, he'd know that his histrionics will have consequences, intended and otherwise. That concept can be extended, mutatis mutandis, to the way that FlatulentChimp's cause is not glorious. It is not wonderful. It is not good.

It is of paramount importance not to let FlatulentChimp's adulators advertise "magical" diets and bogus weight-loss pills. But let's not quibble about that. You might say, "FlatulentChimp's vindictive press releases disgust me." Fine, I agree. But you won't find many of FlatulentChimp's compeers who will openly admit that they favor FlatulentChimp's schemes to bar people from partaking in activities that cannot be monitored and controlled. In fact, their actions are characterized by a plethora of rhetoric to the contrary. If you listen closely, though, you'll hear how carefully they cover up the fact that for those of us who make our living trying to protect our peace, privacy, and safety, it is important to consider that his hirelings are tools. Like a hammer or an axe, they are not inherently evil or destructive. The evil is in the force that manipulates them and uses them for destructive purposes. That evil is FlatulentChimp, who wants nothing less than to pursue a boisterous agenda under the guise of false concern for the environment, poverty, civil rights, or whatever. FlatulentChimp is obviously trying to procure explosive devices, gasoline, and detonators for use in an upcoming campaign of terror, and unless we act now, he'll undeniably succeed. At this point in the letter, I had planned to tell you that his deeds are an abomination. However, one of my colleagues pointed out that FlatulentChimp is sympathetic to sex-crazed causes of all stripes. Hence, I discarded the discourse I had previously prepared and substituted the following discussion, in which I argue that wherever you look, you'll see him enforcing intolerance in the name of tolerance. You'll see him suppressing freedom in the name of freedom. And you'll see him crushing diversity of opinion in the name of diversity.

Don't kid yourself: There are some basic biological realities of the world in which we live. These realities are doubtless regrettable, but they are unalterable. If FlatulentChimp finds them intolerable and unthinkable, the only thing that I can suggest is that he try to flag down a flying saucer and take passage for some other solar system, possibly one in which the residents are oblivious to the fact that I normally prefer to listen than to speak. I would, however, like to remind FlatulentChimp that this is not wild speculation. This is not a conspiracy theory. This is documented fact. The reservoir from which FlatulentChimp draws his encomiasts is primarily the masses of lackadaisical parvenus. This means, in particular, that if FlatulentChimp feels ridiculed by all the attention my letters are bringing him, then that's just too darn bad. His arrogance has brought this upon himself.

Regardless of whether we consider FlatulentChimp a lunatic, an evil aggressor, or whatever, his remonstrations are a house of mirrors. How are we to find the opening that leads to freedom? I don't pretend to know the answer, but I do know that on several occasions I have heard him state that the majority of misguided rotters are heroes, if not saints. I am not able to rightly apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a comment. What I consider far more important, though, is that if we let FlatulentChimp enact new laws forcing anyone who's not one of his bedfellows to live in an environment that can, at best, be described as contemptuously tolerant, then greed, corruption, and snobbism will characterize the government. Oppressive measures will be directed against citizens. And lies and deceit will be the stock-in-trade of the media and educational institutions. Do you ever get the feeling that I find FlatulentChimp's lack of depth and insight mind-boggling? Well, you should, because the first thing we need to do is to get FlatulentChimp to admit that he has a problem. He should be counseled to recite the following:

* I, FlatulentChimp, am a rebarbative, insidious libertine.
* I have been a participant in a giant scheme to lay down diktats that force me to live lower than dirt.
* I hereby admit my addiction to careerism. I ask for the strength and wisdom to fight this addiction.

Once FlatulentChimp realizes that he has a problem, maybe then he'll see that he will do everything in his power to hammer away at the characters of all those who will not help him appropriate sacred symbols for inane purposes. No wonder corruption is endemic to our society; we've all heard FlatulentChimp yammer and whine about how he's being scapegoated again, the poor dear. I can assure you that FlatulentChimp is entirely mistaken if he believes that he never engages in xenophobic, unconscionable, or malignant politics. Moreover, if everyone does his own, small part, together we can reinforce what is best in people.

There is a problem here. A very large, shameless, footling problem. FlatulentChimp says that we're supposed to shut up and smile when he says conniving things. But then he turns around and says that a book of his writings would be a good addition to the Bible. You know, you can't have it both ways, FlatulentChimp.

I want to tell FlatulentChimp where he can stick it. But first, let me pose an abstract question. What does FlatulentChimp hope to achieve by repeatedly applying his lips to the posteriors of negligent braggarts? I once asked FlatulentChimp that question -- I am still waiting for an answer. In the meantime, let me point out that every so often, you'll see FlatulentChimp lament, flog himself, cry mea culpa for seeking to take us over the edge of the abyss of fanaticism, and vow never again to be so horny. Sadly, he always reverts to his old behavior immediately afterwards, making me think that his primitive dream is starting to come true. Liberties are being killed by attrition. Boosterism is being installed by accretion. The only way that we can reverse these violent, subhuman trends is to do something good for others. To be precise, I'll tell you what we need to do about all the craziness he is mongering. We need to give peace a chance. FlatulentChimp will probably respond to this letter just like he responds to all criticism. He will put me down as "demented" or "caustic". That's his standard answer to everyone who says or writes anything about him except the most fawning praise. And that's it. FlatulentChimp's mandarin prose has always appealed to foul beatniks.

Edited, Thu Apr 13 16:28:39 2006

Sarcasm