Sam Maxted shares his top 10 list for alternative ways to use Gnomes. Hey David Letterman, feel free to steal this for the Late Show.

Gnomes are annoying. Everyone knows this, and you only need to look at WoW's forums for proof. They're whiny little creatures lacking in social skills, who delight in thinking they're smarter than the rest of us. Not only that, but most of their inventions fail to work, at best doing nothing and at worst blowing up in the user's face. Well, I say it's time to put the little buggers in their place and get them to make a real contribution to society. I propose the following 10-point plan, designed to ensure that Gnomes actually become useful:

1. Jockeys
Sure, we have human jockeys, but wouldn't it be more fun to replace them with Gnomes? It'd be easier on the horses and watching a Gnome struggling to control an animal that big would be hilarious. Any Gnomish inventions built to aid them in riding the horses would, of course, be banned. Given Gnomes' size, they also wouldn't be limited to riding horses - dog or pig racing would become possible, giving birth to entirely new sports. This may put human jockeys out of work but, to be honest, they're nearly as bad as Gnomes…

2. Flails
There's a distinct lack of flail-type weapons in MMOs these days, which could be rectified with the introduction of Gnome-flails. Gnomes' small stature would make it easy for larger races to swing them around, and their pointy armour could be used to inflict extra damage. The only problems with doing this would be the need to feed the Gnome, as well as getting it to shut up during combat. Sure, failing to feed the Gnome would could disease the target when hitting it, but its DPS would soon drop off when the Gnome started to decompose. I'm not sure if a blacksmith would be willing or able to repair a dead Gnome-flail…

Gnomes: Increasing weapon diversity since 2009.

3. Furniture
Gnomes could be retrained as table legs or footstools, or if they prove difficult, stuffed and mounted for the purpose. Using Gnomes in this way would help to save the world's forests, as less wood would be needed for furniture. In addition, it's not just static pieces of furniture that Gnomes could be used for - they could be trained to carry trays of canapés on their heads at cocktail parties or weddings, turning them into mobile snack dispensers.

4. Oompa Loompas
While Gnomes are universally hated, everyone loves Oompa Loompas. However, there are barely enough of them in the world to staff a single chocolate factory. What I propose here is that Gnomes should be painted orange in order to work in chocolate factories all over the world. But then again, why stop at just Oompa Loompas? There are plenty of other lovable characters that Gnomes could be made to impersonate. For example, how about having them play Munchkins in remakes of The Wizard of Oz, or having them recreate Smurf villages for our amusement?

5. A Replacement For Child Labour
Child labour is a Bad Thing, but could be made a thing of the past by replacing children with Gnomes. Although Gnomes share children's short attention spans, they take up just as little space and are cheap to feed. Kids would then be able to enjoy their childhoods, rather than being forced into making our clothes or growing our coffee. Gnomes would also be more skilled than their child counterparts, meaning that cheap clothes no longer fall apart after they've been worn a few times.

6. Ammunition
I'm sure you've all heard this before, and for good reason. Gnomes are just the right size to take the place of cannon balls, which can be costly and time-consuming to produce. What's more, it's so much more efficient if your ammo is able to load itself. In addition, should the ammo (or "Gnammo") survive the impact, it could either return itself to be used again, or go out in a blaze of bitey glory against any enemies left standing. Simply put, there's a limited amount of steel available for cannonballs, but we can always make more Gnomes.

Ready, aim...

7. Power Generation
This one's particularly ingenious; simply round up a load of Gnomes into purpose-built buildings, containing treadmills hooked up to electricity generators. Attach the Gnomes to the treadmills and make them run, providing us with a clean and renewable source of energy. Should the Gnomes refuse to move, a metal cog could be dangled in front of them, so that they run on the treadmill as they try to reach it. If this fails, Succubus pets taken from WoW's Gnome Warlocks could be used to motivate any slackers through use of their whips. The Succubae could also provide extra security, to stop any escaped Gnomes from trying to "improve" the electricity generators.

8. Bait
Gnomes are expendable - this is an incontrovertible fact. This makes them perfectly suited to the role of "bait" in a variety of situations. They could be used as early-warning shark detectors at beach resorts, or for the more conventional use of drawing out such enemies as Onyxia and Trakanon. Gnomes would be basted with BBQ sauce when fulfilling this purpose, both to help draw out the creatures in question and to disguise the taste of singed hair and engine oil.

9. Test Pilots
For too long we have been at Gnomes' beck and call when something needed testing. Their "inventions" hardly ever work and tend to result in the user being maimed, killed, or being the subject of a hilarious gender reversal. I therefore propose that the tables be turned, with all Gnomes being made to report for duty either as test pilots, or the subject of medical experiments. Not only would this be useful, but it'd allow us a modicum of revenge. Let's see how Gnomes like being blown up in huge fireballs or turned into parakeets, for a change.

Too dangerous for Humans? Get a Gnome to test it instead.

10. Dinner
If everything above should fail, there's always the option of cooking and eating the little buggers to fall back on. Most "strange" meats seem to taste like chicken, so I fail to see why Gnomes should be any different (although they could be a little stringy). Some might dismiss them as nothing more than a light snack, but once they've been fattened up there should be enough meat on the average Gnome to feed a family of four.

The editorial you've just read contains views that are the opinion of the author and not necessarily the views of ZAM.com. The author would also like to stress that he has never eaten Gnome, although this may be because he's yet to find a suitable recipe.

SAM "azerian" Maxted
Editor
ZAM.com